Euphemisms

In case you don't know what a Euphemism is, here is the definition:

: the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant.


We use these in our daily lives. We say things like, "Choking the Chicken" or "Kicking the bucket" to make the sour drudgery of daily conversation tolerable.

Well, very recently, I've notice there are situations in my life that frequently occur; and when asked about them, I wish I had a more pleasant way to discuss them without having to go into all the details.

So, I came up with a list of euphemisms that help me through my daily life as much as I'm sure they will help you when you encounter these situations as well.


1)Shucking the Pope's Goodness: When you get caught pleasuring yourself in a church bathroom.

2)Slathering the Bull: When you pick your nose and wipe the booger on the leather upholstery of you next door neighbor's BMW.

3)Sham-WoWing the Fetus: Using a tampon.

4)Rupturing the Hull: Using a penis pump to the point that the cylinder cracks and your vacuum implodes.

5)Telegraphing the Torah: When you're making love to a girl from behind. And you want to talk dirty to her... but she is deaf... so you have to type out your words in Morse Code on the small of her back.

6)A Calcutta Scavenger Hunt: Picking the Zits/Scabs of your significant other's back.

7) Investing in the Stock Market: Filling prepaid credit card offer envelopes with the Value-Saver coupons and them mailing them back to the credit card company.

8) Flogging the Vicar: Beating your child repeatedly for doing too well in Sunday School.

9) Going on a Date: Spending enough money so a girl feels guilty when she turns you down for sex.

10) Getting Taken to the Cleaners: When your dad ties you down in the bed of his truck and drives you through a car wash because you shit yourself at the fair.

11) Adult Tongue Depressors: Putting Roofies into your whining grandmother's Ensure.

12) Loafing Around: When you have to spread your feces all over a public restroom because the guy before you forgot to flush the toilet.

13) Visiting Gotham City: Having the dream of getting to stay in the Bat Cave. Not because it's Batman's lair, but because it is rent free and all you can eat.

14) Counting my Blessings: Looking at my semen under a microscope.


I hope you enjoy using these in your daily life as I have.