Life's Little Instruction Book

1) Love someone who doesn't deserve it. That way you can guilt them into a loan/sex at a more convenient time.

2) Judge you success by what you had to give up to achieve it. Remember, the testicles you lost in your sex change were more than made up for by your career in transsexual porn.

3) If you ever find yourself sitting in a hot tub with the water jets massaging your back; stop and think, "Are these jets really something In which I want to put my penis?"

The answer is Yes; but only if you are alone in the hot tub. Sorry Allison.

4) Leave change where a child will find it. Hopefully out of the line of sight of your camera.

5) Don't think expensive equipment will make up for a lack or talent and practice. Unless you are referring to a vibrating dildo. Which, in that case, it will more than certainly make up for your short comings.

6) When you get really angry, stick your hands in your pockets. You don't need to be flashing your gun around anyway.

7) In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. Seriously, is there anything more awkward than calling someone a queer while you have their head in a leg lock?

8) Never drive while holding a hot cup of coffee between your knees. As soon as you hit a bump, you not only will burn your junk, you might also burn the hooker's face. And that costs extra.

9) If you're at a guest's house and you stop up the toilet and can't find a plunger, don't use your hands! Remember there's always a small child nearby; and her hand can fit easier than yours.

10) Nothing is more expensive than a missed opportunity. Except Whole Foods. Nine dollars for a 4-pack of rootbeer!?!? WTF

Pick-Up Lines and What They Really Mean

This article is for the women out there who are constantly barraged by an unrelenting onslaught of cheesy pick-up lines. Often times, the guy will approach you with a seemingly innocent demeanor and spout out some semi-cleaver statement that is laced with just enough sexual innuendo to tickle your subconscious and get you focus your attention where he wants. Well, the time has come! I am going to give you some examples of pick-up lines that you may hear while out at a club or a bar. Now, the next time a guy approaches you with some smooth talk, you will really know what he is saying.

What He Says: "So, is that guy your boyfriend?"
What He Means: "I can make you feel at least twice as inadequate than that guy ever could"

What He Says: "I like your shoes, who designed them?"
What He Means: "With heels that high, there is no way you could outrun me to get away."

What He Says: "You're the most beautiful girl here."
What He Means: "You have a beautiful face. I would love to use it to upholster my chair."

What He Says: "I'm not looking for a one night stand. I want a committed relationship."
What He Means: "I need you to pay off my student loans.

What He Says: "You look so sexy drinking that cocktail."
What He Means: "I have something the same size as that drinking-straw that you can put in your mouth."

What He Says: "Can I get a little closer to you? I can't hear your voice over the music."
What He Means: "You know, in this place no one could even hear you scream."

What He Says: "Can I buy you a drink?"
What He Means: "Can I buy you?"

What He Says: "I like your bag. You have good fashion sense."
What He Means: "I like your bag. I used to have one just like it when I was a woman."

What He Says: "Do you like this music?"
What He Means: "Are you a musician? Cause you look like the kind of girl who can play a mean Rusty Trombone."

What He Says: "Do you believe in love at first sight? Because I can walk by again"
What He Means: "Can I walk by you again? I need another chance to take an upskirt photo of you with the camera in my shoe."

What He Says: "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"
What He Means: "I can send you to Heaven like I did with the girls I met here on the three previous nights. No, I don't mean figuratively; as in I'm going to pleasure you to heavenly ecstasy. But literally; as in I keep a shovel in my trunk."

What He Says: "Hey, slow down. I don't want to take this so fast!"
What He Means: "Hey, slow down. I have Down's Syndrome."

What He Says: "Wanna dance?"
What He Means: "I'm gay. Straight men don't want to dance."

What He Says: "I just want to get to know you."
What He Means: "I want to figure out if your daddy abused you as a child. Cause I only hook up with girls who get freaky in bed to seek masculine approval."

What He Says: "Do you wash your clothes in Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants."
What He Means: "I'm a virgin."

What He Says: "Hey, do you want to go 68? That's where you go down on me and I owe you one."
What He Means: "I actually like you and just want to make you laugh."


Well, there you go, girls. Some trusty advice from yours truly. Just remember, the guys who approach you and act like perverts are actually the ones you want. All the other guys are serial rapists just looking for the hunt.