Life's Little Instruction Book

1) Love someone who doesn't deserve it. That way you can guilt them into a loan/sex at a more convenient time.

2) Judge you success by what you had to give up to achieve it. Remember, the testicles you lost in your sex change were more than made up for by your career in transsexual porn.

3) If you ever find yourself sitting in a hot tub with the water jets massaging your back; stop and think, "Are these jets really something In which I want to put my penis?"

The answer is Yes; but only if you are alone in the hot tub. Sorry Allison.

4) Leave change where a child will find it. Hopefully out of the line of sight of your camera.

5) Don't think expensive equipment will make up for a lack or talent and practice. Unless you are referring to a vibrating dildo. Which, in that case, it will more than certainly make up for your short comings.

6) When you get really angry, stick your hands in your pockets. You don't need to be flashing your gun around anyway.

7) In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling. Seriously, is there anything more awkward than calling someone a queer while you have their head in a leg lock?

8) Never drive while holding a hot cup of coffee between your knees. As soon as you hit a bump, you not only will burn your junk, you might also burn the hooker's face. And that costs extra.

9) If you're at a guest's house and you stop up the toilet and can't find a plunger, don't use your hands! Remember there's always a small child nearby; and her hand can fit easier than yours.

10) Nothing is more expensive than a missed opportunity. Except Whole Foods. Nine dollars for a 4-pack of rootbeer!?!? WTF

Pick-Up Lines and What They Really Mean

This article is for the women out there who are constantly barraged by an unrelenting onslaught of cheesy pick-up lines. Often times, the guy will approach you with a seemingly innocent demeanor and spout out some semi-cleaver statement that is laced with just enough sexual innuendo to tickle your subconscious and get you focus your attention where he wants. Well, the time has come! I am going to give you some examples of pick-up lines that you may hear while out at a club or a bar. Now, the next time a guy approaches you with some smooth talk, you will really know what he is saying.

What He Says: "So, is that guy your boyfriend?"
What He Means: "I can make you feel at least twice as inadequate than that guy ever could"

What He Says: "I like your shoes, who designed them?"
What He Means: "With heels that high, there is no way you could outrun me to get away."

What He Says: "You're the most beautiful girl here."
What He Means: "You have a beautiful face. I would love to use it to upholster my chair."

What He Says: "I'm not looking for a one night stand. I want a committed relationship."
What He Means: "I need you to pay off my student loans.

What He Says: "You look so sexy drinking that cocktail."
What He Means: "I have something the same size as that drinking-straw that you can put in your mouth."

What He Says: "Can I get a little closer to you? I can't hear your voice over the music."
What He Means: "You know, in this place no one could even hear you scream."

What He Says: "Can I buy you a drink?"
What He Means: "Can I buy you?"

What He Says: "I like your bag. You have good fashion sense."
What He Means: "I like your bag. I used to have one just like it when I was a woman."

What He Says: "Do you like this music?"
What He Means: "Are you a musician? Cause you look like the kind of girl who can play a mean Rusty Trombone."

What He Says: "Do you believe in love at first sight? Because I can walk by again"
What He Means: "Can I walk by you again? I need another chance to take an upskirt photo of you with the camera in my shoe."

What He Says: "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?"
What He Means: "I can send you to Heaven like I did with the girls I met here on the three previous nights. No, I don't mean figuratively; as in I'm going to pleasure you to heavenly ecstasy. But literally; as in I keep a shovel in my trunk."

What He Says: "Hey, slow down. I don't want to take this so fast!"
What He Means: "Hey, slow down. I have Down's Syndrome."

What He Says: "Wanna dance?"
What He Means: "I'm gay. Straight men don't want to dance."

What He Says: "I just want to get to know you."
What He Means: "I want to figure out if your daddy abused you as a child. Cause I only hook up with girls who get freaky in bed to seek masculine approval."

What He Says: "Do you wash your clothes in Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants."
What He Means: "I'm a virgin."

What He Says: "Hey, do you want to go 68? That's where you go down on me and I owe you one."
What He Means: "I actually like you and just want to make you laugh."


Well, there you go, girls. Some trusty advice from yours truly. Just remember, the guys who approach you and act like perverts are actually the ones you want. All the other guys are serial rapists just looking for the hunt.

Pearls of Wisdom

Here are some Pearls of Wisdom to help guide you through the journey of your life.

1) Having a child is just like having a fat ass.

-Everyone will stare when you start shaking the hell out of it in a super market.

2) When people ask for the church to pray for them, they are referring to the people on the inside. Not the building.

3) Women are like parking spaces.

-If another guy is already parked inside of her, just ram him out from the other side.

4) My mother was always right when she said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. It's much easier to cut through soft tissue rather than a rib-cage.

5) Zombies are just like wild animals.

- They will ALWAYS try to bite you during sex.

6) Making a guest go up a flight of stairs to use the bathroom is not what I would call good hospitality. No one wants to piss in your kitchen sink at 2 am.

7) A baby is like a telescope.

-You always get much less than they're worth on the black-market.

8) Be careful when a girl asks if you want to party... then tells you she has a boat-load of "H". Nine times out of ten, she means heroin. But the rest of the time she means herpes.

9) Getting pregnant is like flying a bombing run.

- You always want to abort before it's too late.

10) Lying to a girl in order to get her to sleep with you is very wise. It is good practice for when the cops question you about where you hid her body.

11) Magic Johnson is like a light socket.

-I promise you will regret sticking your penis into either one.

12) Whoever said the only thing to fear is fear itself never had diarrhea in a Waffle House bathroom.

Ways to Save Money in a Bad Economy

With the amount of panic going on in today's economic climate, I thought I would share a little wisdom with you about easy ways to cut back on that excess spending and put a few extra dollars in your pocket. After all, who couldn't use a little more money? Perhaps you want to take that family vacation or get that new flat-screen TV for the den. Anything you want can be yours if you just have patience, commitment, and a strong will.

The first thing you will need to do is to make a detailed list of your daily spending. Write it out on a sheet of paper and leave no penny unaccounted. Take the totals and add them. Are you surprised? I sure was when I saw how much money I was practically throwing away. Now, we need to find a way to reduce the amount you spend daily by a significant amount. How much is significant? Well, that is up to you. If you are looking to stash away $60 for a new video game, it might not be that much of a change. However, if you're looking to get that dune-buggy, it may take a little more effort.

Now, as all of us spend our money on an almost infinite variety of objects, there is no way I can list every single daily expenditure and tell you where to cut out the fat. But, what I can do is choose a list of common things we buy and tell you some less expensive alternatives.

1) Stop dropping $3 or $4 on a cup of Coffee:

Do what I do every morning, and put 3 Troy Ounces of coffee grounds into a sock. Then when you get to work, place that sock into a graduated cylinder with 500ml of water. Then microwave the entire mixture for eight-and-a-half minutes. This should provide you with just enough of a rush to get you through those hard hours of the day.

2) Wipe Less, Save More:

How many sheets of toilet paper do you use when you go to the bathroom? Two, three, hell even four!?! That's nothing more than throwing money away. First, steal some Two-Ply toilet paper from your local gas station. Then separate one ply from the other being sure to carefully rewind them around some sort of inner core (an old toilet paper tube would work. However, anything you have lying around my work just as well. We use old toothbrushes at my house). After you have now magically turned one overly thick roll of toilet paper into two roles of sufficient bath tissue, you have now finished the preliminary steps.

Now, after you finish your business, don't simply wad up hand-fulls of your newly acquired treasure and drag it between your cheeks. Instead, start wiping with one corner. Then, fold it over and wipe with the new layer. Repeat this process until you are approximately clean. If done correctly, you should have used no more that 3/4 of a sheet.

3) It's A Waste to Tip When You're Out for the Evening.

Seriously, is there a bigger definition for throwing your money away? Try to envision the average evening. You get dressed up, splash on cologne/perfume, swing by the ATM to pick up a little cash, drive downtown, spend half an hour looking for a parking place, you wait in line for twenty more minutes just to tell them about your reservation.. which they probably lost. Then you finally wait for them to call your name. Then, the stupid hooker doesn't look anything like her picture on the flier you found. You pay her the $40 for the hour, then she gives you a cross look because you don't want to give up an additional 20%. Forget her and her pimp. They make enough as it is. That extra $6 you saved is just like money in the bank.

Oh yeah, the same could go for waitresses. They do practically the same thing my wife does... and make about $2.15 an hour more than her. Which is about $2.15 an hour more than zero.

4)Only Sell your Semen to an Authorized Dealer

There is only one key thing to remember here. Just because a store has "AUTHORIZED DEALER" posted all over the front of their place of business, doesn't necessarily mean they deal in your liquid progeny. Sorry Verizon. =(

There is apparently a place called a "Sperm Bank." THESE are the people who are licensed for this practice. Just find Mike behind the Dairy Queen and he will be more than happy to pay you eight or nine dollars (plus change!) for your effort. Oh, you have to bring your own specimen cup. So, don't forget those Ziplock bags!

5) Blood is Another One of Your Fluids People are Willing to Buy.

If you're like me, you have jars of blood all over the place. It's like every time I need to find a bottle opener, I can't because the drawer is just so jam packed with old utensils, bottles of blood, and other knick-knacks. I mean, you can only fill your bookshelves with so many gallons of the stuff before things start getting out of hand.

I haven't checked on this myself, but a friend of mine told me that something called the human "body" needs blood to run. He also said that a lot of people from high-income households have "bodies." So, if you can find a way to market the stuff, I'm sure the demand is pretty high.

6)Try Ebay

Take some of the old junk from around your house and sell it on Ebay. It's a great way to free up space and to get some extra cash!

7) Visit Your Local Church

This is just a rumor I've heard and it sounds too good to be true, but if you have a chance, you may try it out.

Although, I've never personally met anyone who has made it through the first twenty minutes of a church service, I have heard stories that if you can make it like three-quarters of the way through, they will reward you by passing around a plate full of free money that you can just take. Also, if you can make it through the WHOLE thing, you get a free trip to Heaven, which kind of sounds like a time-share. It's probably one of those things where they give you a free gift if you sit in on a presentation... then they try to sucker you into investing going on a trip with a bunch of people you don't know.

Sounds like a scam if I've ever heard one.

8)Cook at Home Instead of Eating Out

It costs a lot of money to eat at another restaurant. Instead, you can take that money and exchange it for raw products which you then convert into food for yourself and your family without having to forfeit your capital for the sake of services in which a 3rd party prepares your food on your behalf. This leads to an overall increase in yield (in terms of money) but a decrease in yield (in terms of time).

9) Stay Away From Banks

If I came up to you on the street and said, "Hey I've got a business venture I want you to consider. First, you give my all your money, then I will promise to keep in locked up in this warehouse over here... but in actuality I'm going to use it to make money for myself. In addition to that, you can only get your money out of my warehouse when it is convenient to me. Also, I'm going to charge your $50 a year for this service."

Would you take this moron up on his offer? Of course not!!! Don't pay someone to use your resources to build wealth for themselves. Instead, burn that money and offer it up to Marduk as a sacrifice. In this economy, it seems like as reasonable an investment as any.



I hope these little bits of advice will help you out in your daily life as much as they have helped me.

Rolex, Here I Come!!!

Euphemisms

In case you don't know what a Euphemism is, here is the definition:

: the substitution of an agreeable or inoffensive expression for one that may offend or suggest something unpleasant.


We use these in our daily lives. We say things like, "Choking the Chicken" or "Kicking the bucket" to make the sour drudgery of daily conversation tolerable.

Well, very recently, I've notice there are situations in my life that frequently occur; and when asked about them, I wish I had a more pleasant way to discuss them without having to go into all the details.

So, I came up with a list of euphemisms that help me through my daily life as much as I'm sure they will help you when you encounter these situations as well.


1)Shucking the Pope's Goodness: When you get caught pleasuring yourself in a church bathroom.

2)Slathering the Bull: When you pick your nose and wipe the booger on the leather upholstery of you next door neighbor's BMW.

3)Sham-WoWing the Fetus: Using a tampon.

4)Rupturing the Hull: Using a penis pump to the point that the cylinder cracks and your vacuum implodes.

5)Telegraphing the Torah: When you're making love to a girl from behind. And you want to talk dirty to her... but she is deaf... so you have to type out your words in Morse Code on the small of her back.

6)A Calcutta Scavenger Hunt: Picking the Zits/Scabs of your significant other's back.

7) Investing in the Stock Market: Filling prepaid credit card offer envelopes with the Value-Saver coupons and them mailing them back to the credit card company.

8) Flogging the Vicar: Beating your child repeatedly for doing too well in Sunday School.

9) Going on a Date: Spending enough money so a girl feels guilty when she turns you down for sex.

10) Getting Taken to the Cleaners: When your dad ties you down in the bed of his truck and drives you through a car wash because you shit yourself at the fair.

11) Adult Tongue Depressors: Putting Roofies into your whining grandmother's Ensure.

12) Loafing Around: When you have to spread your feces all over a public restroom because the guy before you forgot to flush the toilet.

13) Visiting Gotham City: Having the dream of getting to stay in the Bat Cave. Not because it's Batman's lair, but because it is rent free and all you can eat.

14) Counting my Blessings: Looking at my semen under a microscope.


I hope you enjoy using these in your daily life as I have.

Achievement Unlocked

Can you say you have done it?

Have you ever dropped into Dracula's room and seen the game percentage hit 200.6% in Castlevania: Symphony of the Night? Have you ever found the REAL princess in under 9 minutes on Super Mario Brothers? Have you seen the over-a-dozen different endings to Chrono Trigger? Have you heard that music, had your heart skip a beat, and then killed a Tank before it dealt damage to anyone in Left for Dead? Have you seen the achievement unlock for doing everything there is to do in Grand Theft Auto IV? Can you beat Episode 1 of Doom on Nightmare? Have you beaten Contra without the 30 lives code? Have you beaten Myst without using a guide? Have you sightread through most of Guitar Hero on Expert?

I have... and countless others.

I love video games. They bring a sense of joy and accomplishment to my life, they fulfill a void in me that isn't so easily attainable in today's society, and they help me to relax and blow off the pressures of the day. Video games have been an integral part of my life since Christmas 1987. Even on that first night, I stayed up all night trying to get a perfect score on Duck Hunt. I never looked back.

I have had people tell me that I should do something with my life. They say things like, "why don't you read a book?" Or, "why don't you do something to help mankind?"

I do, I read several hours a day. I work in scientific research and try to help people everyday. I teach guitar lessons in my free time just because I want to help people learn music. I spend the majority of my day doing things for other people. But.... sometimes, you just want to come home in the evenings and spend a few hours shooting zombies in the face at point-blank range.

In times long gone, men would spend the day hunting for food so their family would have something to eat. They would have night-watches set to protect the village in case of a night ambush. Single men wiped out entire enemy platoons of soldiers. Hannibal crossed the Alps on Elephants. Hell, even ancient Viking's vision of an afterlife was Valhalla. There, everyone who had died in battle would pick teams at the beginning of the day, fight the bloodiest battle ever, then, those who won got to go home, have the best meal of their lives, and then wake up the next day to do it all over again. All of these people wanted and NEEDED to achieve something. There is just something ingrained into a man's mind that makes him want to do this sort of thing. We need to fight, conquer, and strive for a goal in order to feel like we are doing something with our lives. Unfortunately, with the conditions in which we now live, our life isn't focused on survival. We can't round up a band of rebels and take control of Mediterranean. And, unless you are at war, a man can't save his friends from death using only his courage and a trigger finger. There are so many people, that a man doesn't have the power that he once did... at least not in everyday life like they once did.

In a game.... I can go on a killing rampage in the middle of Liberty City, then hijack a helicopter and take out the FBI and National Guard. I can capture a little girl and harvest her soul to make myself stronger. I can sacrifice the hours of experience I've gained in order to feed prisoners locked in cell without food. I can roll up entire cities into a ball and fling them into the heavens to make a star. I can escape from the world for a few hours and live the life of someone else. I don't care if they are good or evil. I just want to experience what they experience. I want to unlock all the achievements on a game so that when other people look at my gamertag, they will know the stories I've experienced. I hope it makes them want to try these games themselves.


Don't let anyone tell you it's a waste of time. It's almost endless entertainment for a relatively inexpensive sum. Plus, you will hear some stories, see some things, and experience things you would have otherwise missed. Plus, in today's culture, they are becoming more and more a part of everyday life. You can't truly be a well rounded person anymore without at least experiencing a video game.

Video games are growing more and more as an art-form. I don't feel that it will be long till they are put on par with other forms of entertainment like movies and theater. Even those both started out as a way to kill time. If you don't believe me, just try BRAID. Then after you've pondered the ending and metaphor for a couple of days, I dare you to try to just call it nothing more than a game.

There is something out there for everyone. So, if life has gotten you down, grab and game and a controller and spend a few hours letting go. For me, it's more therapeutic than a massage or working out for a couple of hours. It breathes life into me. On the nights I stay up till 2am playing video games, I almost always wake up more rested than if I had gotten a full night's sleep.

I know this has been a rant... but I feel strongly that it is something worth ranting about.

Party Games

The other night, my wife and I attended an engagement party for some friends of ours. We had been excited to attend, but were a bit apprehensive over what was planned for the evening's festivities. Luckily for us, the hosts of the parties had planned several games to keep the throng entertained. Initially, we played a game similar to the "Newlywed Game" where you were given a sheet of paper about your spouse or significant other and asked to fill in the blanks. Then your partner had to try to guess what you had written. It was pretty tame at best, but it killed about an hour; so, no one complained. Next, some people got wrapped in toilet paper.
Then, we played an extremely fun game which I am going to call, "Christian Girls Get Offended Easily."

This is how you play the game:

1) Everyone is given several strips of paper.
2) On half of the strips you write a random question.
3) On the other half, you write a random answer.
4) Then they mix each type of strip and put them into a hat.
5) Then one person draws a question and reads it, to which a person replies by drawing an answer and reading it.
6) Pass the had clockwise.

So, you get the drift.

As with the majority of the get-togethers that we attend, they are primarily filled with conservative Christians. So, as always, I proceeded to write the most offensive things I could think of on my strips of paper in order to have a chance to form an awkward situation.

It was in the middle of this process that I realized there is a subtle art to phrasing your random questions and answers.

The questions need to be stated in a way that ANY random statement can fulfill them. A good example would be, "What was the last thing the man said to you?" In this instance, any answer will work. "Hotdogs, Man over the starboard bow, two waffles and a hot tamale." Anything you can possibly say will work. Here is a good example of how NOT to phrase a question: "How many times a day do you think of sex?" It has a specific answer, a number, and it is almost impossible to draw something at random to make it work.... or be funny. Someone will certainly draw an answer like, "Cat food" and as we all know, nothing about that is funny in the least.

So, now that I have explained the rules and theories, here are some select pairings from that night.

Q: How would you describe your penis?
A: The Big Bang.

Q: How far would you go on a first date?
A: A balloon full of heroin up my anus.

Q: What is Jesus' dog's name?
A: Bloody Knuckles

Q: Who's your daddy now, sis?
A: Herpes

Now, for your consideration, I leave you with some random answers and questions that you can use for your own game.

Q: What was the last thing the priest said before he let you out of your cage?
Q: I'll take the testicle clamps off in a minute. What do you want the safeword to be?
Q: If you could have one statement on your tombstone, what would it be?

(The answers are where you can really go off the wall and try to embarrass the hell out of someone)

A: The Fake Holocaust (thanks Keith)
A: Ralph Waldo Emmerson's Mistress' Fist
A: Hell, if I knew it was going to be that bad I would have agreed to wait till marriage too.
A: When I say, "The Land Before Time," I'm not referring to the movie. I'm referring to your mother's vagina.
A: You lips aren't the only thing that's red, inflamed, and covered in sores... if you know what I mean.
A: Your mom.
A: You know, I've heard Oxyclean is the only thing that will get blood out of a clown suit.
A: It's not cheating 'cause it's MY dog.
A: 80% of women never file charges.

I hope you enjoyed them. Try pairing them up with the questions above.

If you have some of your own, post them in the comments below.