Pearls of Wisdom

Here are some Pearls of Wisdom to help guide you through the journey of your life.

1) Having a child is just like having a fat ass.

-Everyone will stare when you start shaking the hell out of it in a super market.

2) When people ask for the church to pray for them, they are referring to the people on the inside. Not the building.

3) Women are like parking spaces.

-If another guy is already parked inside of her, just ram him out from the other side.

4) My mother was always right when she said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. It's much easier to cut through soft tissue rather than a rib-cage.

5) Zombies are just like wild animals.

- They will ALWAYS try to bite you during sex.

6) Making a guest go up a flight of stairs to use the bathroom is not what I would call good hospitality. No one wants to piss in your kitchen sink at 2 am.

7) A baby is like a telescope.

-You always get much less than they're worth on the black-market.

8) Be careful when a girl asks if you want to party... then tells you she has a boat-load of "H". Nine times out of ten, she means heroin. But the rest of the time she means herpes.

9) Getting pregnant is like flying a bombing run.

- You always want to abort before it's too late.

10) Lying to a girl in order to get her to sleep with you is very wise. It is good practice for when the cops question you about where you hid her body.

11) Magic Johnson is like a light socket.

-I promise you will regret sticking your penis into either one.

12) Whoever said the only thing to fear is fear itself never had diarrhea in a Waffle House bathroom.